As I type this it is a day after Thanksgiving holiday November 26, 2010 and it took so much out of me just to hang in there to spend a Thanksgiving holiday alone in my new apartment.
I have depression.
I also have PTSD from years of:
Neglect
Physical abuse
Emotional abuse
Mental abuse
All of the above have been endured both in my childhood,teen years,and the majority of my adult life.
On top of that I have a Mother who has severe depression and seems to stay depressed most of the time.
She is married to a man who also deals with depression,PTSD,plus Vietnam War issues.
I live alone & I have no friends.
It's really hard living this way.
I have tried to reach out to people,however people just don't want to hear that your going through a rough time due to the fact that they have their own stuff going on.
Well I need to reach out. What else can I do?
I do the best that I can.
My own Mother is basically impotent to help me due to her own mental illness.
My Father is deceased.
Although I have siblings we all come from different Mothers.
And I can assure you the majority of those siblings have less a less than stellar morale compass that guides them so I have to stay a good distance from them. They're basically users thats how that is.
It's just one of those things I guess.
This year has just been terrible for me.
My Facebook friend has dumped me. So I don't have her to depend on.
Three months ago while riding public transportation to get out to a Tae Kwon Do class I was the target of a verbal hate crime.
A woman on the bus that apparently was mentally ill started acting real psycho then proceeds to vent hatefully on me calling me Nigger so many times that I lost count,she also called me:
A whore and threatened to stab me with a knife.
Then I got out of a Tae Kwon Do contract but not before the Bitch of a instructor who was having an affair with a student just verbally did all she could to insult & put me down.
Talk about kicking a woman when she is down.
This woman verbally used her steel toed boots to do it.
So I haven't had the best of year this year.
I need the love & support.
But I seem to be all on my own
I reach out to you to support me.
I am trying so hard but I feel all alone in this world
I'm African American,Gay,and lonely.
Friday, November 26, 2010
It Just takes courage don't underestimate the power of courage
So it seems another Thanksgiving has come & gone. I have chosen to spend it alone sans the depressed & ever so needy Mother & a stepdad who has all the personality & conversation skills of a doorknob. I don't exaggerate that either. With just the three of us it is just not enjoyable.
I did not enjoy Thanksgiving last year. It was unbearable.
Here is how it plays out.
Food from the Honey baked ham caterers gets heated up in the Microwave, not much excitement there. My stepdad either is sleeping on the couch in a basic comatose state or watching tv in his recliner. Mom is in the kitchen overdoing things despite the fact that she knows that she has a bad back with me telling her at least a hundred times to sit down,her twisting her face up and finally sitting down, I don't know if its because she is not listening to me or what the case may be.
Now comes the sitting down at the table.
It's pretty unceremonial. We say grace Mom takes forever with that then we unceremoniously eat food which is as exciting as watching paint dry.
Of course the tv is on with either Family Guy or Two & a half Men my Stepdad's favorite of course.
And shows that I can't stand.
No conversation is held.
My Mother has her head turned towards the tv.
My Stepdad is glassy eyed & staring at the tv located across the room in the living room, you see the dining room & living room is adjacent.
All you hear is chewing sounds which drive me crazy!
The only talking is this:
Mom: Oh Honey the ham is good.(followed by silence & her attention is then directed back to the tv
Stepdad: nothing is said he just stares straight at the tv.
So you see I could not endure another holiday like the one I endured last year,the year before that & the year before that for like the past 15 years or so.
I really wanted to spend Thanksgiving with people.
But not with depressed & stagnant people.
So I chose to stay in my newly moved in apartment in Bellevue eating Freshetta pizza & drinking Heineken beer.
Because if I had spent the Thanksgiving with my Mother & Stepdad I would have just lost it by screaming or something. I already have had a really difficult week with emotional up's & downs, lonliness,depression,dealing with coping being alone & trying to figure my life out.
It's extremely difficult and it takes tremendous inner strength + all of whatever reserves that I've got to just get through all this.
It's not easy.
And I don't even want to think about Christmas yet.
I just need to take care of me cause no one else would.
I just wish that I could have someone to lean on .
I'm always there for someone else like my Mom but I have no one.
I'm often emotionally & mentally drained.
I did not enjoy Thanksgiving last year. It was unbearable.
Here is how it plays out.
Food from the Honey baked ham caterers gets heated up in the Microwave, not much excitement there. My stepdad either is sleeping on the couch in a basic comatose state or watching tv in his recliner. Mom is in the kitchen overdoing things despite the fact that she knows that she has a bad back with me telling her at least a hundred times to sit down,her twisting her face up and finally sitting down, I don't know if its because she is not listening to me or what the case may be.
Now comes the sitting down at the table.
It's pretty unceremonial. We say grace Mom takes forever with that then we unceremoniously eat food which is as exciting as watching paint dry.
Of course the tv is on with either Family Guy or Two & a half Men my Stepdad's favorite of course.
And shows that I can't stand.
No conversation is held.
My Mother has her head turned towards the tv.
My Stepdad is glassy eyed & staring at the tv located across the room in the living room, you see the dining room & living room is adjacent.
All you hear is chewing sounds which drive me crazy!
The only talking is this:
Mom: Oh Honey the ham is good.(followed by silence & her attention is then directed back to the tv
Stepdad: nothing is said he just stares straight at the tv.
So you see I could not endure another holiday like the one I endured last year,the year before that & the year before that for like the past 15 years or so.
I really wanted to spend Thanksgiving with people.
But not with depressed & stagnant people.
So I chose to stay in my newly moved in apartment in Bellevue eating Freshetta pizza & drinking Heineken beer.
Because if I had spent the Thanksgiving with my Mother & Stepdad I would have just lost it by screaming or something. I already have had a really difficult week with emotional up's & downs, lonliness,depression,dealing with coping being alone & trying to figure my life out.
It's extremely difficult and it takes tremendous inner strength + all of whatever reserves that I've got to just get through all this.
It's not easy.
And I don't even want to think about Christmas yet.
I just need to take care of me cause no one else would.
I just wish that I could have someone to lean on .
I'm always there for someone else like my Mom but I have no one.
I'm often emotionally & mentally drained.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)